Hello all. I have been struggling with if I wanted to write this post or not. It’s not something I necessarily like talking about all the time even though it is something I struggle with most of the time. When things start to build up over time and feel really difficult to deal with it makes it seem 10x worse then it probably is. And I am maybe at that state of mind right now. It’s not something I like feeling. It’s not something I like dealing with. It’s not something I even like admitting to. But I get sad. So sad that some days it is all I can do to not just start crying. Because that is the natural way my body likes to release the stress and pressure I feel.
I’ve never been the type of person who can shut off. I am on and going 100% of the time. I can’t not be doing something because I was raised and taught the mentality of keeping busy and getting things done constantly. And in turn, as I have gotten older I have never learned how to just let things go or how to take a break. Somedays I can’t even enjoy doing a hobby activity because I feel like I am not doing something productive enough. It never seems to be enough. What I am doing, what I am thinking, what I am trying to do. It is never enough.
I have tried meditation multiple times in the past and while I do think it would help me a lot I can never seem to stick with it long enough for it to be effective. And doing other things that help me feel calm will work for a short period of time. But after a while, I start to panic that I am not doing enough. That I should be working on something else even when I don’t have something else to be working on. I am done with school now so there are no lingering papers I have to submit. I can’t bring work home with me so there is none of that to take care of. So why can’t I just enjoy my free time and do whatever the hell I want to? Why do I make it so difficult for myself?
I get overwhelmed with the back and forth of what I should be doing and what I want to be doing. A back and forth that never seems to end and sends me into a panic. I get stuck not enjoying anything I used to enjoy. Wanting to give up, because what is the point. And then that makes me even more upset because I hate hating what I love to do. And I just start feeling sad.
And I will be the first person to tell you that it is okay to feel sad. Feel your emotions. Don’t try to bury them or pretend that they are not there. Indulge in your emotions but don’t let them consume you. Don’t let them control you. But if you’re feeling sad and all you want to do is have a good cry. Have a good cry. Let it all out. You’ll feel so much better.
But maybe you’re stuck. You’re in a position or place where you don’t want to start crying or that you don’t feel comfortable crying in. Try to focus your breathing when you’re in that situation. Wait until you’re in a safe space and you feel comfortable and then just let go. Let it all out. I can’t tell you how many times I broke down crying either at work or just in my room. The worst is when you start crying and you can’t quite figure out why. You don’t have a concrete reason for crying but you are. Or when you have to stifle it cause you have to go to work and you can’t have red-rimmed eyes and a stuffy nose when you’re working. I have given myself headaches because of how much pressure build-up there is in my head. I feel like I constantly have a headache or pain in my neck because of all this pressure I can’t let out.
As much as I want to end this with some positive words. I don’t think I can. No tips or methods to help you get out of the funk. No suggestions on how to feel happier in your daily life. Not today.
Sometimes you just have to be sad.
Thank you for reading. I do hope that if you are feeling sad that you give yourself some time to feel sad. But i also hope you find yourself out of it soon.