floating

There are these days I have where I can’t quite find myself. Where I feel as if my mind has disconnected from my body and I can’t tether it down. That if there wasn’t a roof over my head, that if I stepped outside I would just crumble while my mind drifted off into the sky. I feel empty and hollow but not quite.

My brain buzzing with static energy. Trying to do something. Anything. But not accomplishing anything. It’s a foggy sort of thing I think. Like I’m recovering from a head cold but I haven’t been sick. With heavy eyes that are just too tired to cry but begging for sleep. And a weight on my chest holding me down.

I feel like I’m floating. But not in a fun way. Not in a good way. Like I just can’t get a hold of myself. It’s just out of reach.

These days don’t happen often but they do happen. And it’s hard to try and navigate them. I haven’t learned how to deal with them properly. I tend to lean into them and let them control my day. And usually after that day, maybe two. I feel fine.

Everything is okay again. I feel like I am in once piece and don’t have to wait for one part of me to catch up with the other.

My floating days usually pop up when I start to get run down, start feeling worn out. Like I’ve just worked 12 days in a row with no breaks. And I desperately need a nap. But I can’t nap cause I’m separated. I can’t find myself. And it sucks.

I have to go through the motions of the day just to make it. Which works when I have a schedule. When I have things to do. That helps me to… maybe fake that it’s okay. But when I don’t. When it’s a free day and I have no responsibilities when there is nothing I have to do. I feel so lost. My mind floats and I struggle so much trying to find some sort footing.

I was actually doing pretty good. I had a routine I fell into that was working. But then I woke up and I knew that it was going to be a rough day. And it was one of the worst ones in a while. Especially since there was nothing for me to… look forward to? Nothing for me to focus on.

I stuck as close to my routine as possible. I still did my workout, I did my Korean lesson. But then I just napped on and off for the rest of the day. I couldn’t manage much else.

And as much as I didn’t like feeling this way, it was almost nice to just… not do anything. To just let my mind float and wait for it to come back when it wanted to. To not try and force something to happen or to do something.

To just… let go.

~Chelsea

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