~resisting change~

The last time I wrote about change I was dealing with the after affects of leaving my job of 6+ years. It was a monumental change in my life. One that took me longer then a week to deal with. I said it in that post and I’ll say it again in this one…

I don’t particularly like change.

Especially when I am comfortable and the change is threatening that. But I know. I know that change is necessary. And it is required for life to progress and all that. But, that doesn’t mean I can’t be afraid of that change. It doesn’t mean that I can’t be nervous about what might happen if it does or doesn’t happen.

Change is scary. Well, it can be scary. Not all change is scary, but I’m talking about the life changes. The big life changes. That change everything, not just one thing. Like getting a job and having to move across the country. Away from everyone and everythng you’ve ever known.

That’s the kinda of change I am talking about.

And when I started this post I was in the running for a job 20 hours away. (I’m not anymore but that’s a whole different story.) And I was terrified at the prospect of getting it. I couldn’t even imagine living out there without freaking out and panicking endlessly. I thought I would be ok with moving away. I thought I could do it no problem.

Oh boy… Was I wrong.

Not only did the simple idea of a change this big freak me out. The fact that I allowed myself to get so worked up about said change, even though it hadn’t happened, and there was a chance that it wouldn’t even happen really freaked me out. I had always talked as if I would be the one taking the job in a different state. That I would have no problem living all by lonesome five states over only seeing friends and family a few times a year.

Oh boy…. Was I wrong.

This whole expereince really made me open my eyes and my heart and force me to acknowledge that I really don’t want to live all by my lonesome. That as much as I like being alone. I really hate being lonely. But it also made me realize that I need to slowly learn how to distance myself but still keep in touch with people and learn that I can survuve on my own.

Cause that is another change that is coming up quicker then I’d like to admit. I am… I should be moving out on my own or with a roommate this summer. I’ll have to adult 24/7, pay more bills then I pay now. Clean a whole apartment not just my room. And I’ll be honest, I really hate vacuuming.

This doesn’t mean that I won’t be putting up photos of BTS and string lights all around if I can help it. Cause I totally will. It’s a given at this point.

But it’s going to be an adjustment period with or without a roommate to share the spaces with. I won’t have someone slamming doors or stomping around. I won’t have to deal with having to wait for my mom to finish her laundry before I can do mine. It is going to be so much quieter then I am accustomed too. (Unless I get really shitty neighbors.)

This year. 2020 is shaping up to be a massive year of change. With school ending and me graduating. Looking for second jobs and full time jobs. Moving out and on with my life. It’s going to be one change after another. And as much as I am not exactly looking forward to it, I am still excited for what new things await me.

Because that is the best way to look at it and deal with it. Focus on the good that is going to come from it. I’ll be graduated with my masters degree. I will be moving out (crossing my fingers hard that this happens). I will hopefully have a full time job somewhere. And I will hopefully still be hanging out with my friends often.

Life is all about change. The good and the bad. And unfortunatly as much as you may want to avoid it, you’ll need it to help progress in life.


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