~feeling good~

I didn’t realize until I said it out loud. I hadn’t realized it until someone asked me and there was no hesitation in my response. That I was doing good. That I wasn’t drowning in the self-doubt and anxiety that I had grown close to. I was happy. I felt good.

It was a slow realization for me. It did happen in one day it took me a few hours for it hit me why I felt the way I did. I couldn’t figure out the happy and light feeling that was around me. I literally was like what is going on with me. Why do I feel this way?

I felt good. And it’s been so long since I felt good that I couldn’t even recognize it. And then I felt stupid. Its been just about three months since everything changed in my life. For the better. And I’ve been feeling so so good.

I still have had some bad days. But overall, I’ve been feeling good. I have been light. There wasn’t a heaviness I couldn’t shake off like before. I could breath.

At the time I had just gotten some good news about a position change. (It was basically a promotion.) I was going to be working in a position that was directly related to my career field. What I had been working towards these past few years. I was going to be making a decent living. Not enough to live off of but still good.

I don’t feel good often. Really hardly at all. My brain doesn’t let the good times last. So when I do feel happy and good, I try to hold on and ride it out for as long as possible. I’m still learning how to let go of the stress and anxiety. Still learning to find the calm and happy everyday. It isn’t easy.

But when you’re feeling good, it’s like you can do anything you want to. There are no ceilings to stop you from rising. Nothing blocking you from succeeding. There is an invincibility when things are good. When things are up.

Now I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes I maybe over indulge on these good days, but when I get them so few and far between I can’t help myself. So I check out way to many books that I know I could read in time but won’t. I start writing 6 different blog posts and stop halfway thru. (I did for this one lol) I start writing bits to my short story again or create more characters and scenarios for future pieces just to stop again when things start to get bad again.

I can’t ever predict when the good days are going to come. But if I remind myself that good days will come and that I can have good days, that I am allowed be happy… maybe they’ll happen more often.

When things are good it can be easy for some to let go. To just be and exist. But for me, instead of letting go, I hold on. I can’t let go of anything. I can’t get my brain to shut off. So even on those good days, the not so good lingers.

But that is just my reality. I am taking steps to help change that, through meditation for one and then working on other ways to help lessen my anxiety I deal with daily.

I love those good days when I am feeling happy and light. When I feel like I can do anything. I usually feel inspired and can be creative and indulge in the things that I’m used to putting on the back burner.

And hopefully, I’ll be able to have more good days. And eventually the good days will outweigh the bad or not so great. For now, it’s one day at a time.

I hope you all reading have a great day!

~Chelsea

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