~what i love~

What I love is complicated. What I am passionate about is… unknown. I don’t even know if I understand what people expect when they ask me that question.

Passionate, adj.: having, compelled by, or ruled by intense emotion or strong feeling; fervid.

What am I passionate about? I really don’t know. I know that I love learning. But not all learning. I love learning about language and languages new to me. I like learning quirky facts about different things. I only like to learn about things that interest me. I love watching food videos. Especially the ones about Asian foods. I love ramen and dumplings.

I like art and learning about art and their artists. I could sit and watch certain TV shows for hours on end. I love reading. I used to be able to read and read and read. It’s been awhile since I could do that.

I can tell when someone is passionate about something. As cliche as it sounds, they do get that little sparkle in their eye. They get fired up about it just a little quicker then some. They care about it and they nurture it.

But how do I know if what I like, what I love is what I am passionate about? How can I distinguish them? Maybe this goes back to not knowing enough about myself.

Last week I talked a lot about how I haven’t explored a lot of myself. I haven’t tried many different things. So how do I know what I am passionate about or not. I am starting to let go of that guilt about doing things I enjoy over things I know I need to do. I am starting to dabble in some things. It is progress.

Sometimes I think I feel that spark. But it doesn’t stick around long enough for me to really know. I have seen all those online quizzes that say they can help you discover your passion. Or say they’ll show you how to grow it or nurture it.

And yeah, I’ve maybe taken one or two just to get some direction for what I am doing. But they didn’t help me.

I know sort of what I like. What I enjoy. But there is also a fear of what others think. And I know that that does not matter. I am my own person. I am allowed to like and do whatever I want, within reason. And I think this fear is part of why I can’t learn my passion. Why I can’t find it.

I know I need to let that fear go. And that I just need to try all the things. Like I said, this is a process. I am trying and think that is the most important thing right now. I am trying to be happier. I am trying to live my life.

And for now, that’s enough.

Thanks for reading!

~Chelsea

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