It’s been over a month since my last shift at my retail job. It didn’t really hit me till I had to go back in for my final check. Then it really hit me that that was it. I was done. And it didn’t feel like I was finishing another chapter of my life. It really felt like I started a whole new book. I’m not one novel, I’m a series.
I really feel that this is the time that I can start living. Before I just existed, it was routine and bland and basic. I didn’t enjoy anything. I hated everything about my life. Now I have actual free time. I feel lighter then before. I have time to rest and relax. But I also have more time to focus on school and my now main job. And my internship. I am getting close to being done with my degree so this is the time to sit down and just get it done.
But really it’s been more stressful. I have all this free time I didn’t have before. I didn’t… I don’t know what to do. My days are spent getting the required things done then wasting the rest of my time away. I had all these great ideas, these amazing things I was gonna do and accomplish. Hobbies I was going to indulge in. New things I was going to try. All these fucking books I wanted to read.
And what have I done?
Not much. I go to work. I go to my internship. I do my homework. I eat, sleep and repeat. Yeah, I have the major stressor from before gone. One less thing to worry about. One less thing that was breaking me slowly. But now. I feel like I lost direction in my life. I feel lost.
I don’t know what I am doing anymore. And I can’t seem to find the way back to the road. Like, I know what I might like to do. But do I know what I want to do? No. Do I know what I need to do? Yeah. Do I do it? Only if it’s school or work related. Anything related to myself, I just can’t seem to enjoy it. And I’ve tried for so long to enjoy the things I like but instead it’s just guilt. Or I’ll enjoy it for sometime but I can’t maintain it for long.
I am nearing the end of my program and I should be applying for jobs, but I haven’t been. I need to be looking for a second job right now and I have just finally been working on those applications.
After being told for so long that I should know by now what I am doing with my life and I should be happy about that and realizing that I’m not… It’s really fucking hard. It’s heavy. It hurts. Because I start to question if I even like what I am studying. (I do. I actually do.) And then that starts the whole what am I actually passionate about. And that is a whole post on it’s own.
What I am trying to get at, is that this isn’t just a new chapter in my life. Maybe it is, but it feels bigger. I feel like this should be the start of something bigger for my life. I should be doing all the things. Going to all the places. Trying all the things.
I should feel happy.
But I don’t.
I was so looking forward to this new part of my life and I feel like I already blew it. And I know that I have the power to start over any time and as many times as I want. But after the first few dozen it feels useless.
My original intention for this post was to make it more uplifting about new beginnings and how I had this new lease on life. But obviously things have changed.
Instead I want this post to reach those few who have started over how ever many times and didn’t get that fresh, clean and happy new starts that everyone else promised them. And I want them to know that it’s OK. That they didn’t do anything wrong. That they can keep starting over as many times as it takes for it to stick. I want them to remember that life is a bitch but it is your life to live.
I want this to reach those who don’t feel happy all day everyday, and tell them that they don’t have to feel happy all day everyday. I sure as hell don’t.
It’s your life, live it however you want.