I have always hated change, but have accepted that it is necessary. I struggled every time something had to change in my life that had been a constant for a long period of time. But I got over it. I moved on. Life moves forwards. It doesn’t stand still and it sure as hell doesn’t move back. No matter how much we wish it could.
time for a change~
Recently I made the decision to leave a position I had been in for over six years. I started the job when I was 18, fresh out of high school. It had seen me through transitional periods, moving from home for my undergraduate degree, a lot. I pretty much grew up working there. And while I didn’t always have the greatest of experiences. Honestly I had some quite shitty things happen to me. I still loved most of what I did. I created some wonderful relationships with some of the people I worked will and I can’t imagine not being able to see them as frequently as much as I do now.
I had many times over the year said I was going to quit, or that I was going to leave. And never did. I chickened out and just kept working there. And now it just felt like it was time. I am just a few months away from graduating with my masters degree and I need to focus and make sure I finish strong.
Obviously something happened that spurred this into movement. But I have decided to try and not dwell on it since it happened and nothing will change. I was burning out fast and even though I wasn’t admitting to it I was barely functioning. I was barley living. I was simply going through the motions.
I know that there are some people who still think I could have or should have kept going with two jobs, my practicum, and full course load. But I was drowning and they just couldn’t see. I was miserable and I needed to do what I needed to do to help myself get better.
I am scared about how I will be financially. It’s pretty scary for me since this will be the first time since I was 18 that I haven’t been financially secure (not counting the years I was at Ferris, since my parents helped me). This isn’t a long term solution. I am planning on picking up another job at least until I can find a full time position somewhere or the start of a career for me. I did the math. I can afford my current bills with what I make at my one job for the time being. For the time being. I still want to move out next spring/summer time frame.
It’s been so scary. I have cried over this decision mostly because I have been scared about what this means for me. Six years is a long time to be in a position and I don’t know how to be without them.
but it’s also good
For the last few years or so, it had gotten worse for me. I hardly ever had a good day. And my mom was getting frustrated with the fact that I was constantly complaining about what happened. I was always stressed and filled with anxiety even thinking about going into work. I started getting tension headaches and severe neck pain it was so bad.
I told myself just a little bit longer. Just a little bit longer. I can make it just a little longer. Some days I would go home and cry. Some days I would breakdown crying at work. One day I actually had hit a breaking point and just broke down sobbing in the bathroom. It is not a memory I like to think of.
So it is good. Change is good. I can heal from what I have gone through and move on. I feel that my life is finally moving forward. I was feeling stagnant. I wasn’t doing anything with myself. Now I feel almost invincible. Well, maybe not invincible but I do feel encouraged to do things I wouldn’t do before. I can use the time wisely for course work and projects and hobbies. I can indulge in my hobbies. (Depending on cost lol.)
It’s is hard to say goodbye. I am just a few days away from my last day and it feels so bittersweet. I am excited for it to be over and the next part of my life to start but I am also scared and sad. And I think that is to be expected.
Have you left a position where it felt bittersweet?