This is another one of those heavy topics I’d rather avoid. But I feel that the best way for me to deal with it is to write it out. Put into words what I am feeling, how I am feeling, to make sense of what I am struggling with. So I am going to put the warning right here, that this post is going to be heavy, it is going to get personal, and it might not have a happy ending.
But it needs to be said. Because I know that I am not the only one out there that doesn’t like themselves. I know I am not the only one that needs constant reassurance that I am not being annoying and that I am OK. That I am not a hideous creature that no one will ever love.
I Don’t Hate Myself… But I Don’t Love Myself Either
I can’t even say that I love myself even a little bit at this point. Because… I just don’t. Maybe I like myself a little, but there isn’t any love for myself yet.
I have so many insecurities and so much self doubt. And I have been this way for so long I don’t even now if I can change anymore. But I want to change. I want to stop living with this self doubt, this self hate.
Maybe for a couple of different reasons. Maybe because if I can learn to love myself I can maybe not be afraid of putting myself out there and finding someone to love me. Maybe because I am ok with being alone but I’m tired of feeling lonely. Maybe because I am tired of being sad all the time about how much I dislike myself.
Words Hurt More Than You Know
I don’t when it began. Obviously from a young age. But it wasn’t necessarily only from the fact that I wasn’t like the other girls, that I wasn’t tall, skinny, and pretty. That did play a huge role though. But also that I just didn’t like the same things others did.
And maybe what even had the bigger impact was that I had someone use words that no little girl should have to hear, and I’ve never been able to let them go. From someone who is only supposed to love and encourage and all I received in return were nasty words full of hate and spite. He might have thought he could hide it, but I always knew.
Words have so much more of an impact then people like to admit to. Positive and especially negative ones. They have just as an impact as a physical hit does in some cases.
Someone will tell you to just let it go. That it doesn’t matter. “It was just a mean word why do you have to overthink it?” Because they fucking said it to me, about me. How can you expect me to just let it go right away?
From the Inside Looking Out
I can’t lie and say that social media and the entertainment industry never had an impact on how I felt about myself. It would be complete bullshit. I see what everyone else looks like, what everyone else seeming likes. And then I see myself. I see how different, how disgusting I feel in comparison.
Before you even think it. I FUCKING KNOW OK. I fucking know that that’s not right for me to be thinking but I can’t help it. I can’t.
This is also why I stopped following accounts and people who only ever posted about themselves. And instead started following accounts that posted about nature, art, books, or food. The things that make me happy and don’t necessarily make me reflect on myself.
It’s Not Just My Appearance I Dislike.
But… It’s not just my looks that I don’t like. It’s not just the fact that I can’t loose weight, can never win against my unruly hair. That my skin is weird or that I am so fucking short with short fingers too. My pinkys are tiny.. Really small. I mean I have those days were I can’t even stand the sight of myself in the mirror. I’ll catch a glimpse and I just want to die.
But I hate how I am. I stress, I worry all the freaking time. I can never stay happy for longer than two days at a time. Then I crash and burn and fall so deep I don’t see the light anymore. I get sad about how sad I always am. It is so hard to work through this mindset. Because I know. I know, that I shouldn’t be feeling this way or thinking this way. But I am and I do.
And Maybe That’s OK
Maybe it’s OK that I think and feel this way. Because I also know that I shouldn’t and when I do start thinking this way I try and adjust my way of thinking. I try and alter what my brain is telling me. Less negative and more positive.
I recently read a short story of sorts and something the author had their character do was called ‘Little Things’. I can’t find the work it was something I found online, but they had their character focus on the little things they did like about themselves and things their friends liked about them too. These were literally just little things but it had a huge impact. This has stuck with me and maybe this is something I should start trying to do.
I know that this is not something that I am going to be able to change over night. I know that that it is going to be a huge challenge and that scares me. Because I don’t even know if it is possible. I don’t know if I’ll ever really be able to fully love myself.
I want to try.
Thanks for coming this far. This was not something easy to write but I felt that I needed to. This is a very hard topic for me and I did get emotional writing this and facing things I thought I had put behind me. This is a journey I am on, through all the bumps and hills I’ll do my best to stick to it.