At the Start~
I want something I’ve never had before. I want something I don’t think I’ll ever achieve. I don’t say this to sound pessimistic. Rather, realistic. As I don’t know what it is.
I have an emptiness inside me. That proverbial hole so many others have talked about before. It is a lot more common than most like to believe.
And I have one too.
I have tried to fill it many times over. With all sorts of things. Some good, some bad.
Some self-destructive and some rejuvenating. But no matter how much I stuff that hole it doesn’t stay filled long.
Within a week or two, I am right back to where I was before. Trying to fill that hole with something else. With something I hope will last longer than the one before.
It used to be reading. I used to be able to read a 300-page book in a day. I just read and read and read. Now I struggle just to make it through the first 100 pages of a book before I give up.
For a while in college, I made woven wall hangings. I loved it. I had always loved weaving and I was able to create a new piece every other day. I have a piece on my loom that has been there for nearly a year and I haven’t touched it.
I’ve tried writing, I’ve done some really shitty blogging (lol), I’ve lost myself in that dark hole of Youtube and Tumblr. I tried being creative. I’ve purged my room over and over, getting rid of things I don’t need or what. I’ve gone on spending sprees trying to fill that hole just a little. I’ve tried every self-care tip I’ve seen.
I hate to say I am depressed because I can still function. Albeit very shitty functioning but functioning nonetheless.
There are just so many things I want to do. So many things I want to achieve, accomplish. But I just can’t maintain it.
I am stuck with this level of exhaustion that doesn’t lift with any amount of sleep. Tiredness that just sits behind my eyes. Sleepless nights are adding up. Guilt that rests on my shoulders for my inability to feel productive.
Some days all I can do is the bare minimum, wake up, drink coffee, go to work, come home and go back to bed. I procrastinate like you wouldn’t believe. Just doing one thing after another instead of what I actually want to do. I can’t seem to trick my mind into doing what it wants.
But after putting into words what I have felt. What I am experiencing. Has helped me immensely.
Putting into words my struggles helps me deal with them. They are no longer dark muddle things crowding my mind, but tangible issues I can deal with head on(not really, let’s be real). But I can try.
I’ve found that I need to just grab each moment as it comes. I don’t think I can ever really live life in the moment as I do like to plan things out. But I am learning to just go with the flow sort of… Like the other night I had a burst of inspiration for a new weaving and I just took it and and worked on it for nearly 3-4 hours and it helped me fall back in love with weaving.
It made me feel happy. And I think the whole point of me writing this is that I need to just take the happy moments I have and cherish them and live with the fact that I am not going to be happy 100% all the time. That I am going to be sad, and empty and live with this hole in me. And that is OK. This is just who I am.
For any of you out there that feel this way and that deal with an empty hole in you that you can’t ever seem to fill, take this as a comfort that you’re not alone. There are plenty of people out there just like you, dealing with it, the same as you.